“I was in 7th or 8th grade and called to fight by another classmate. That meant waiting until after school and meeting up and ‘duking it out’. He was my size but tougher. I thought I was pretty tough but basically was a wimp and afraid. I never really wanted to fight.
After school he and his ‘gang’ gathered. I walked out with my friends. Soon two opposing camps faced each other hurling insults. His supporters razzing me and cheering him on, mind doing likewise. We were about to fight. He called me names and taunted.
In a moment, that seemed very long, I had a lucid awareness. I look at this other kid. We had been friends once. We liked each other. Now, I don’t remember what the fight about, but it was likely over a girl. I looked at him angry at me, calling me names. I saw his friends.
There Are Only Two Options – Make Progress Or Make Excuses
They were calling me names. I looked around. My friends were calling he and them names. We were squared off and I went somewhere else momentarily. I thought, he thinks, I am an ass. I think he is an ass. His friends think I am an ass. My friends think he is.
We all think the same thing about each other. We are two opposing sides. We are angry and yelling at each other. Each side, each potential fighter thinks he is correct. What if they are right? What if I am right? What difference does any of this make? Why are we mad?
He is correct. I am an ass at times. I can be, I know that. I don’t want to admit that. I’m not very proud of it. Typically, if you call me on my crap I’ll get angry and defend myself, at least verbally. I will attack you back BUT not this time. Something happened! An awareness!
You Don’t Stop A Fight By Fighting – You Stop By Stopping To Fight
I couldn’t find a reason to fight. It was insane. We both are caught up in disliking each other. Our gangs don’t know anything about anything. They are just sheep following and supporting us. WOW, what is going on? I knew right then there was no ultimate truth.
At least not in this name calling. We were both right! We were both also wrong about each other. We were just yelling opinions and none of any of us actually in touch with anything accurate or real. We were all just acting out some insane hatred for each other.
I came back to hear the taunts and name calling. I said, ‘hey I don’t want to fight with you’. I wasn’t afraid. I just discovered I had NO reason not to like him, I had no reason to fight. He swung at me I swung back and punched right into his fist. He cried out in pain!
When You Stop Fighting The Way Things Are Magic Can Happen
He fell to the ground, crying and rolling around. Later, we learn he broke some fingers. It was over. He writhed on the ground, I stood there stunned and secretly glad it hadn’t gone any further. I was heralded as victor by my gang. Of course, his didn’t think so.
But they didn’t argue. He was on the ground and I stood over him. None of any of this mattered. I swung, I don’t know why. Instinct, I assume. I knew, however, I didn’t want to fight and was not going to. We left the scene. I thought about the event for quite some time.
I realized, so often, we choose a side and then defend it no matter what. We have a position or a stance and we maintain it or try to, regardless. We hurt loved ones, friends and strangers by wanting to be right. We look for or hang with those who think as we do.
If You Can’t Change It – Change The Way You Think About It
We are not tolerant of other views or people, except rarely, or unless we learn to accept and embrace difference. We have to learn to be okay with differences. We can’t ignore them but we don’t have to fear or hate or exclude them either. We can learn to let go and allow.
There is too much hate and discord. Violence has never ever solved anything. Might doesn’t make right. More often it only makes more enemies. No one likes a bully whether on the schoolyard or in the pulpit. Still, people cheer their ‘team’. They follow as lemmings do.
Thinking and feeling seem in short supply. We need to accurately assess and not be so opinionated. We need to not be ruled by opinions; our own or others. We need to be able to be curious, open, accepting and tolerant of those and that which differs from us.
Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Giving Up But Rather Acceptance
We need to listen more and stop shouting. We need to listen actively and hear what others say and not just wait our turn to speak. HEARING and LISTENING are not the same thing. We need to understand. First comes awareness then comes understanding.
We need to be more peaceful not more fearful. Making others fear us does’t make us stronger or better. We only create more enemies. We need to think peace and then act it. We need to feel more compassion and less intolerance. Seek to elevate not to bring down.
We need to stop creating problems and enemies. We need to create more friends. We need to become responsible and realize it is up to each of us. It is up to you and me to live peacefully. We must overcome our conditioning and habits and prejudices. We can!
Time Doesn’t Heal Everything But Acceptance Can – Use Time Well
Together we can accomplish more than we are capable of as individuals. Yes, there is power in numbers. Mobs rule. Let’s create and be part of friendly, loving mobs. Instead of sinking to the lowest common denominator lets seek to rise to the highest.
Let’s not lower our standards but raise them; not to exclude but to include more. Lets expect the best of ourselves, then actually do it, Let’s not just talk and wish it happens. Let’s be determined to be the change we want to see in the world. Determine to be the change!
It starts within each of us. Live well and help others do the same. Be grateful, find the good in each person and all circumstances. Live, love, laugh! Be filled with compassion. Spread it and share it all around. Delight in differences and diversity! Celebrate everything.”
Delight in today!
*** We are planning some new things! Soon A Teleseminar with Rex What are your questions, what do you want to know, what would you like help with? Use the comment section to let me know. I’ll let you know when, meanwhile, please let me know what you’d like. ***
Horizons photo used with permission of Phil Koch.
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3 thoughts on “How To Stop Fighting With Others And Yourself”
Thank you for your deep wisdom and blogposts, they are literally my bible.
A daily sip here and there and I feel I am growing a new head in place of the old one.
A wiser more energised, more appreciative and more empowered head. So again, thank you for making me feel alive, switched on and engaged.
A question for your upcoming teleseminar: which is better when practising visualisation; saying out loud what you are imagining or keeping quiet and watching the vision unfold in silence. Much appreciation.
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WOW thanks and best wishes to you. Great question. Stay tuned. I really appreciate you asking a question and sharing – made my day – put another smile on my face!