“To get people to do what you want you have to appeal to who they are. People have beliefs and values that are important to them. They have rules and procedures for how to eliminate woes, and how to best go about living in the world, succeeding and being happy.
They function by principles, rules, evidence and procedures. We may explore each of these in coming blogs but today I want to broach the subject of values. We all have values. Some we share with others and some unique to the individuals.
Where values are shared there can be rapport. What is important to you and to me may be our bridge that brings us closer together. Unless we are both competing to fulfill those. It really isn’t much different than you like latte’s and I like latte’s. It is similar.
You’ll Find A Way If It Is Important To You If Not You’ll Find Excuse
We share something in agreement. We both agree it is important to be honest, or loyal or tolerant. Yet how we define these and apply them could vary wildly. Many couples vacation together. It is important for them to get away and spend together time.
What is important about that vacation may wildly differ between them. They could be in for a wonderful or rough time depending on what is most important to each. Whether or not they help each other fulfill what is important to them will determine their success.
For example one partner can’t wait to get away and have loads of fun. This person wants to wine and dine and dance. They want to go out and party, see the sights, meet the people and experience a grand and wild time. They can’t wait until they can let loose!
Ask What Is Really Important Then Find A Way To Deliver On That
The other partner can’t wait to get away from the rat race and relax. They want to leave the madness of the city behind. No phones, no pressures, no deadlines, no people to bother with. They just want to sitt by the water and chill out. They want to savor their time away.
Can you imagine these two may have some difficulty? Perhaps, they’d be better taking separate vacations. Many people get there and then argue that it isn’t going well as they had expected. Why? Because their expectations were never really voiced. Imagined, yes.
Had they talked it out upfront it could be much better. All they need to do is ask, what is important to you about this vacation? What do you hope it to be? What do you want to do? Then they will find out they both have separate and different desires and expectations.
Agreement In Likes And Dislikes Is The Beginning Of Rapport
They can then decided whether or not to vacation together OR how to insure that both of their needs and wants are met during the time they are together. They negotiate quiet relaxing times and wild out there party times. Then both can feel fulfilled and get along.
They help each other out by helping each other get what is important and necessary for each. They work together to make sure both are well cared for and not abused or ignored. Get it? Because they know what is important to each they can work together.
To get along easily with another person appeal to what is important to them. Look them in the eye and say, ‘what is important to you?’ What is important to you about this? What does that, or having that do for you or allow you to do? So few people ever ask. We need to.
Friendship Comes From Trust Uplifting And Valuing Each Other
‘What is important to you about being a parent?’ ‘What is important to you about racing cars?’ ‘What is important to you about going to that school?’ ‘What is important to you about your boyfriend?’ What is important to you? Then listen and accept their answer.
For practice, whatever their answer, repeat it back to them respectfully. Don’t look at them bewildered and exclaim, ‘WHAAAAT? FUN?!?!? is important???’ Be respectful. Accept whatever they say. It is what IS important to them. Treat it so!
‘So fun is important? Very cool. What does having fun do for you? Their answer may reveal another value. Let’s say they said confidence. ‘Cool, so when you have fun you feel confident, or you have a sense of confidence.’ It doesn’t have to make sense to you.
Trust Comes From Understanding And Taking Positive Actions
It makes sense to them. Respect and accept that. Listen and let them know you care. You hold them in high regard. You will do whatever you can to help them fulfill their positive values. When you accept, without judging or ridiculing, you create more harmony and rapport.
You help create understanding and trust. You connect more deeply and you are getting to know each other more deeply because you are learning about what they are trying to fulfill in their life. If not their whole life at least in this topic area. It is important to them.
We have some values which permeate all areas of our life. Some might call these Core Values and we have others that are more situational. Our beliefs and rules and procedures and processes similarly can be situational or core. We will explore more later.
It’s Not Just What’s Important To Them It’s How They Fulfill That
For now, remember to ask people what is important to them. Genuinely be interested. Listen and respect their answers. Utilize what they tell you to help them fulfill their wants and needs and you will may benefit them greatly. Use it to build trust and rapport.
Your understanding of what motivates them and what challenges them will grow immensely. It will help you understand your partner in life, your parents or children, friends, co-workers, employers and employees. You will learn a lot about the people in your world.
Enjoy them. Enjoy learning. Delight in all things. Appreciate these tools you have to build bridges. Understanding what makes another person ‘tick’ bring us closer together. It helps eliminate hinderances and misunderstanding. It allows us create win /win outcomes so we can get along and each feel fulfilled. Celebrate. Celebrate everything!” Rex Sikes
Smile more today!
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Photo used with permission of Phil Koch